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FUNNY "QUOTES" -  A perpetually growing list.  Do you have one?

Ever notice that something profound often lurks just behind the funniest of quotes?

 

Most recent first

I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days, I lost two weeks.

Now that I'm retired, I find that nothing is ever fixed except my income.

Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth...AMEN..!!

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.

You are totally unique, just like everybody else.

I'm OK, you're OK.

I'm OK, you're so-so.

It's always darkest just before it's totally black.

Flip Wilson, speaking as the character "Geraldine" said, If you can fly this plane 3,000 miles across the country, and find this little airport in the dark, then you can find my bags.

Don't tell me worry doesn't help. Whenever I really worry about something it never happens.

Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

No matter where I go, there I am.

Motivation is what puts the work clothes on my dreams.

I was planning to procrastinate, but decided to put it off.

If you tell the truth, then you don't have to write down what you said yesterday.

Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.

If the Good Lord had intended us to fly, he wouldn't have given us the British Railways

Older people shouldn't eat health food, They need all the preservatives they can get.      

If I keep waiting for my ship to come in, I've already missed the boat.

I haven't lost my mind. It's backed up on a disk somewhere.

Behind every successful woman is herself.

A woman is like a teabag...You don't know how strong she is until you put her in hot water.

All stressed out, and no one to choke.

I can be one of those bad things that happens to good people!

Maybe it's true that life begins at 50, but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

How can I miss you if you won't go away?

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good spit it out.

"I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once."  

You know you're addicted when you only smoke half of the cigarette so you can start on the next one sooner.

I'm so depressed that I would jump out the window, if I weren't in the basement.

Yes I'm out of my mind.  It's a dark and scary place in there.

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.

Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory. 

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and keep it in your pocket.

I proudly pay taxes in the  United States. The only thing is - I could be just as proud for half the money.

 

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time. 

 

Never eat more than you can lift. ~Miss Piggy

 

On packing: Lay out all your clothes and all your money. Then, take half the clothes and twice the money.

 

You can never get enough of what you don't need to make you happy.  

Computers are like Old Testament gods; lots of rules and no mercy. 

Youth would be an ideal condition, if it came a little later in life.

When a habit begins to cost money, it's called a hobby.

They say a hobby can help develop a positive attitude. A positive attitude may not solve all of my problems, but it WILL annoy enough people to make it worth the effort!  

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