The middle wife

The 'Middle Wife', true story by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher

 I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I  have two kids myself, but  the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my  own second grade  classroom a few years back.

 

 When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always  have a few sessions  with my students.. It helps them get over shyness  and usually, show-and-tell  is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model  airplanes, pictures of fish  they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place  any boundaries or  limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to  school and talk about it,
 they're welcome.

 

 Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very  bright, very outgoing kid,  takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the  class with a pillow  stuffed under her sweater.

 

 She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke,  my baby brother, and  I'm going to  tell you about his birthday.'

 

 'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their  love, and then Dad put a  seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He  ate for nine months  through an umbrella cord.'

 

 She's standing there with her hands on the pillow,  and I'm trying not to  laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me.

The   kids are watching her in  amazement.

 

 'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying  and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh,  Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans.  'She walked around the  house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid  is doing a hysterical  duck walk and groaning.)

 

 'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies,  but she doesn't have a  sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my  Mom to lie down in bed  like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back  against the wall.)

 

 'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she  kept in there in case he  got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all  over the bed, like  psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her  little hands miming water  flowing away. It was too much!)

 

 'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,'  and 'breathe, breathe.   They started counting, but never even got past ten.

 Then, all of a sudden,  out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff  that they all said it  was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot  of toys inside there.'

 

 Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and  returned to her seat.   I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then,  when it's show-and-tell  day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another  'Middle Wife' comes along.