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take me to some humor

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SHORT TAKES

*****

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.

"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What?Because he's cross-eyed?"

"No, because he's bloody heavy."

*****

A pregnant woman was in a car accident and falls into a coma. When she wakes up, she finds she's no longer pregnant and she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am you've had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother Paul came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "No, not my brother... he's an idiot!"

She asks him, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise."

"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! ... What's the boy's name?"

 "Denephew."

*****

Paddy took his lovable, fluffy Saint Bernard to the vet. "Doctor," he said, "I need you to cut off my dog's tail."

The vet was appalled: "Why should I do such a terrible thing?"

Paddy said: "Because my mother-in-law's coming for Christmas, and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome."

*****

Granddad comes home from his doctor and, though usually quite active with his grand-children, seems to make every effort to avoid them this day. His son notices his dad avoiding the kids and asks him why this is so.

Immediately the old man whisks his medicine prescription out of his pocket and hands it to his son.
The Gradnfather said, "Read that label. That's why!"

The son takes the bottle and reads,

"Take two pills a day. KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN."
*****
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said,"Are you going to help?" 
I said,"No, Six should be enough."
*****
You know that look women get when they want sex?
 No 
Me neither.
*****
I saw a large woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. 
I said,'Thyroid problem?'
*****
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?
*****
I was the kid next door's imaginary friend
*****
Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasnít much, 
but the reception was excellent.
*****
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, ďIíll serve you, but donít 
start anything.Ē
*****
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, ďA beer please, 
and one for the road.Ē
*****
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
*****
Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people 
in my family, 
so it must be one of them. Itís either my mom or my dad, or maybe my older brother Calvin 
or my younger brother Ho-Chin. But Iím pretty sure itís Calvin.
*****
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft,
it sank, 
proving that you canít have your kayak and heat it too.
*****

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer

gut, and still think they are sexy.

*****

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested.

Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

*****

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.

It's called a Wedding Cake.

*****

I married a Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

*****

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

 
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