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DISORDER IN THE AMERICAN COURTS

These are from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts', and are 

things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now 
published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while 
these exchanges were actually taking place. 


_____________________________________ 

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? 
WITNESS: No, I just lie there. 
 
 
 

________________________________________ 
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? 
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. 
 
 
 

______________________________________ 
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? 
WITNESS: Yes. 
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? 
WITNESS: I forget. 
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you 
Forgot? 
 
 
 

_____________________________________ 
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that 
Morning? 
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' 
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? 
WITNESS: My name is Susan! 
 
 
 

______________________________________ 
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in 
Voodoo? 
WITNESS: We both do. 
ATTORNEY: Voodoo? 
WITNESS: We do. 
ATTORNEY: You do? 
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo. 
 
 
 

______________________________________ 
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his 
Sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? 
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? 
 
 
 

____________________________________ 
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? 
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one. 
 
 
 

________________________________________ 
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? 
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? 
 
 
 

______________________________________ 
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? 
WITNESS: Yes. 
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? 
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid! 
 
 
 

______________________________________ 
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? 
WITNESS: Yes. 
ATTORNEY: How many were boys? 
WITNESS: None. 
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? 
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a 
Different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? 
 
 
 

______________________________________ 
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? 
WITNESS: By death. 
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? 
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it? 
 
 
 

______________________________________ 
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? 
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. 
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? 
WITNESS: Guess. 
 
 
 

_____________________________________ 
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a 
Deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? 
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. 
 
 
 

______________________________________ 
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you 
Performed on dead people? 
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. 
Would you like to rephrase that? 
 
 
 

______________________________________ 
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did 
You go to? 
WITNESS: Oral. 
 
 
 

______________________________________ 
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? 
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. 
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? 
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I 
Was doing an autopsy on him! 
 
 
 

____________________________________________ 
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? 
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question? 
 
 
 

______________________________________ 
And the best for last: 
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you 
Check for a pulse? 
WITNESS: No. 
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? 
WITNESS: No. 
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? 
WITNESS: No. 
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive 
When you began the autopsy? 
WITNESS: No. 
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? 
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. 
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, 
Nevertheless? 
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive 
And practicing law

 

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