The Circumstances of 7 Affairs
The 1st Affair:
A married man was having an affair with his
One day they went to her place and made love
all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover
to take his shoes outside and rub them in
the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm
having an affair with my secretary. We had
sex all afternoon.'
'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!'
The 2nd Affair:
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful
daughters but always talked about having a
They decided to
try one last time for the son they always
The wife got pregnant and delivered a
healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to
see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had
He told his wife, 'There's no way I can be
the father of this baby. Look at the two
beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you
been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied, ' Not
The 3rd Affair:
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about
to be cremated, and made a startling
discovery. Schwartz had the largest private
part he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part. It
must be saved for posterity.'
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his
briefcase, and took it home.
'I have to show you something you won't
believe,' he said to his wife, opening his
'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is
The 4th Affair:
A woman was in bed with her lover when she
heard her husband opening the front door.
'Hurry,' she said, 'Stand in the corner.'
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then
dusted him with talcum powder.
'Don't move until I tell you,' she said.
'Pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband inquired as he
entered the room.
'Oh, it's a statue.' she replied. 'The
Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I
got one for us, too.'
No more was said, not even when they went to
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the
kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a
'Here,' he said to the statue, 'Have this. I
stood like that for two days at the Smith's
and nobody offered me a damned thing.'
The 5th Affair:
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar
and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
'One Cent?' the man thought.
He glanced at the menu and asked, 'How much
for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of
'A nickel,' the barman replied.
'A nickel?' exclaime d the man. 'Where's the
guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied, 'Upstairs, with my
The man asked, 'What's he doing upstairs
with your wife?'
The bartender replied,
'The same thing I'm doing to his business
The 6th Affair:
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly, 'I have
something I must confess.'
'There's no need to,' his wife replied.
'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know, I know,' she replied. 'Now just
rest and let the poison work
The 7th Affair
couple is driving along a highway doing a
steady forty miles per hour. The wife is
behind the wheel.
Her husband suddenly looks over at her and
speaks in a clear voice. "Darling," he says,
"I know we've been married for twenty years,
but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the
road ahead but slowly increases her speed to
55 mph. "And don't try to talk me out of
it," he says, "because I've been having an
affair with your best friend, and she's a
far better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the
steering wheel more tightly and slowly
increases the speed to 65.
He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he
Up to 75 mph."I want the car, too," he
continues. 80 mph.
"And," he says, "I'll have the bank
accounts, all the credit cards and the
The car slowly starts veering towards a
massive concrete wall. This makes him a wee
bit nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there
anything you want?"
The wife at last replies - in a quiet and
controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I
need," she says.
"Oh, really?" he inquires. "So what have you
Just before they slam into the wall at 85
mph, the wife turns to him and
smiles. "The airbag."