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This is
an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old
woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have
it published in the New York Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which
I endeavored to pay my
plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds
must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the
arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I
refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my
entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in
place for only eight years. You are to be commended for
seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for
debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the
inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs
from the manner in which this incident has caused me to
rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone
calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am
confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded,
faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on,
I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood
person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and
hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your
bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to
an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for
any other person to open such an envelope. Please find
attached an Application Contact which I require your
chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight
pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her
as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history
must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the
mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income,
debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by
documented proof.
In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your
employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in
dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than
28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of
button presses required of me to access my account balance
on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the
sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you call
me, press buttons as follows:
IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR
ENGLISH
#1. To make an appointment to see me
#2. To query a missing payment.
# 3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am
there.
# 4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am
sleeping
# 5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am
attending to nature.
# 6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not
at home
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to
access my computer is required. Password will be
communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized
Contact mentioned earlier.
# 8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1
through 7.
# 9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact
will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my
automated answering service.
# 10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait,
uplifting music will play for the duration of the call
regrettably, but again following your example, I must also
levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this
new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so
slightly less prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client
(Remember: This was written by an 86 year old woman) 'YA
JUST GOTTA LOVE " US SENIORS" !!!!!
And remember; Don't make old ladies mad. They don't like
being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to
set them off. |
